On any playground, you can hear moms debating what places are acceptable to bring your kids to. Some moms think the only time a kid should be outside the home is when they are with their nanny, and others don’t understand why they get weird looks when they bring their 10-year-old twins to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings.

Personally, I believe kids should be allowed everywhere — as a public service — so people can tell if you are just a ticking bomb of crazy… or a mother. When I am out and I run into people, give the cashier the wrong amount of money, or have problems functioning, I just point to my toddler on a leash barking, and my dog in a stroller crying, and people get that I am full throttle bonkers.

BUT, there is one place I believe kids should never under any circumstances be allowed entrance to: bathrooms.
Every single time I take my daughter to the bathroom she manages to run in, open a stall door, and splash her hands in the toilet bowl water like we are at a water park. So gross on so many levels. Then, while I am cleaning up the water, she starts shredding toilet paper into bits and throwing it around the bathroom. By this time, I have to pee so bad I just let her TP the bathroom. So, I take my pants down and pee. Just when I think my mission has been accomplished, my daughter escapes under the bathroom stall door, and I have to chase after her with my pants half down. She beats me to the trash can and starts playing with used maxi pads. I vomit in my mouth, grab her, and I go and finish my business.

Then, I check my daughter’s diaper and decide that even though she has not gone to the bathroom, I will change her anyway because it’s hot out. There isn’t a changing table, so I change her diaper while she is leaning against me standing up on the counter. The second I take her diaper off she starts peeing all over me and herself. So I put her down, and while I am cleaning myself off, she starts banging the stall door against the wall. Then the devil herself comes in, sees that I am covered in pee, and my toddler is running around the bathroom doing a naked angry dance, but yells at me anyway, and says I need to make my daughter be quiet.

I contemplate throwing a dirty diaper at her and not cleaning up the pee, but instead choose to take the high road in an attempt to be a good example for my cave toddler. For the grand finale, my toddler decides she wants to be a big girl and put her own diaper on, but when she is unable to do this throws all of the contents of my diaper bag directly at my head. I take a deep breath and force my kid to wear a diaper and pants. I know I am a very mean mommy. Then, I pick my daughter up, walk outside, and smell something. SERIOUSLY. YOU JUST POOPED AFTER ALL THAT? I HAVE TO RE-ENTER THE 4TH CIRCLE OF HELL AND ENGAGE IN MORTAL COMBAT WITH A DRUNK SMURF AGAIN?

The above scenario usually unfolds in under 30 seconds.

As you can see, kids and bathrooms just don’t work. I propose a new plan. Every bathroom must contain a cage outside of it where the moms can leave their kids and allow them to practice public urination, destruction, nudity, pooping, and whatever else their little demon hearts desire, while their moms get to go to the bathroom in peace.

And that’s been This Week’s Shannonigans!

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