In New York City, us moms spend most of our time walking. While most moms use cars to show off to the other moms, we use our strollers. Many establishments in NYC have stroller parking and some even have valet stroller parking. So what’s the point of all this? Can’t you just go to Target and buy a cheap stroller? Is your baby’s life really going to be affected by whether you purchased a top of the line, limited edition, $4,000 whatchamacallit stroller, or found a used stroller in a dumpster? Of course not. But that’s not the point!
Your stroller is an extension of yourself. You’re not just a mom. You’re a mom with a Bugaboo designed by Bono that’s proceeds go to help AIDS in Africa. You’re better than all the other moms.
So, to help new and expectant moms figure out which over priced stroller they need and to explain to moms with strollers who they already are, I have come up with a list of the “it” strollers and what they say about the moms who push them.
BOB Revolution – Gisele Bundchen
You’re perfect. You have the football player husband, perfect body, cute dogs, and perfect baby. You probably had a natural birth with no-painkillers. Breastfeeding was easy for you and you didn’t gain much baby weight. The weight you did gain, you got rid of quickly with the help of your Bob Revolution jogging stroller. Because you don’t just push your kid around town, you work out while doing so. Oh and… EVERYONE HATES YOU!
Stokke Xplory – Tori Spelling
You like to stand out so you got a stroller that looks like a space ship. The stroller doesn’t have much shade but it comes with a fun umbrella that reminds you of the one in your favorite cocktail. You don’t understand why some parents choose strollers that cover up their children. Don’t they have reality shows to tape? Oh, and stroller storage? Who needs it. That’s what the camera crews are for.
Bugaboo Special Missoni Edition – Rachel Zoe
You don’t buy your baby supplies at a baby store. You buy them at Saks Fifth Avenue. Literally. And not only do you have an extra $2,000 lying around to spend on a stroller, but your are beyond major because you got one of the limited edition strollers by Missoni. Your baby isn’t a baby. He’s an accessory. No wait… he is EVERYTHING. When you saw this stroller, you died. When you saw your baby, you died again. Then when you saw your baby in this stroller for the first time, you died the ultimate death, and then went baby bananas.
Uppa Baby Vista – Sarah Jessica Parker
You have enough money to afford the Bugaboo and you’re famous enough to get the Missoni edition, but you didn’t because you are too cool. You’re so cool that you will tell anyone that will listen about how you could have gotten the Bugaboo. You could also put your kids in the stroller instead of holding them, but you don’t because you’re down to earth, and just like everyone else. Because everyone else got paid millions of dollars to wear fun clothes and shoot sex scenes with really hot men.
Silver Cross Pram – Nicole Richie
Your stroller cost $4,000, is handmade, and probably the least functional stroller ever. So? Your dad wrote “Hello,” and to get famous you had to be Paris Hilton’s sidekick, and give colon cleanses to complete strangers for a reality show. You deserve this!
Maclaren – Kevin Costner
You’re a dude and this isn’t your first rodeo. You have tons of kids with multiple baby mamas, so you’re too exhausted to care about anything. Just trying to get through the day without getting into a fight with one of your seven kids. Your stroller my not be the hippest, but it gets from point A to point B.
Hidden Sling – Beyonce
What baby? Oh you mean this thing hiding inside my fur scarf? Oh yeah, I gave birth to her onstage, with 100 back-up dancers, while I sang my new hit, “If you like it then you better put a boob in it.”
Orbit – January Jones
You like to shock people. No one knows who your baby daddy is, you took placenta pills, and you got a stroller that looks like a robot wheelchair, and is so confusing not even you know how to push it.
Britax B-Ready – Jennifer Garner
You need your stroller to be simple because you actually spend time with your kids and will be the one pushing it. So you did something really shocking and bought a stroller that works and only costs $300. Crazy!
That’s been This Week’s Shannonigans!