One of the first things you hear when you are a new mother is, “You need mom friends,” “You need friends with babies the same age as your baby,” and, “Can you PLEASE only spend time with other mothers who have babies who are just as annoying as yours, so the rest of us don’t have to listen to a choir of wailing newborns that like to projectile poop on the ceiling?!”
I am here to tell you that you don’t need mom friends. Because the last thing you want to do after spending the whole day changing your baby’s diapers is spend the whole night listening to your friend complain about changing her baby’s diapers.
I prefer to hang out with my single friends and hear about their drunken escapades because it makes me realize that no matter what age we are, there is always going to be that jerk who takes off his clothes, runs around naked, and, before passing out into a dead sleep, pisses in public. The only thing that changes is sometimes this is a drunk stranger you meet at a bar, other times it is your child, and eventually it’s you in a nursing home.
But if you insist on making mom friends, please follow my guidelines for scaring off the Mean Girl Mom and her underlings. When you are a new mom, the last thing you need to hear is how Mean Girl Mom thinks that the reason her son started walking at 5 months old is because she makes homemade baby food with organic fruits and vegetables that she harvests in her garden at her vacation home in the Hamptons.
10. When Mean Girl Mom asks where you vacation, say at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. This will just confuse the hell out of her because annoying rich people don’t understand the concept of staying with family. She will think, “Are her in-laws hotel maids? Her child doesn’t look Mexican… No, I bet her in-laws got bored during retirement and opened a quaint Bed and Breakfast in Bermuda.”
9. When all the moms talk about how difficult it was to find a good nanny, and what agencies they used, say you don’t have one. That instead, when you want to go on a date with your husband, you just ask one of your friends from Alcoholics Anonymous.
4. Make sure all your social profiles are public and have tons of incriminating pictures. This is me drunk at my bachelorette party. I used to get mad at my sister for posting embarrassing pictures of me on Facebook. Now I encourage it.
2. When everyone shares their tips on how to make homemade baby food, brag that once you discovered your baby food blender was an awesome single-serve margarita machine you started to buy non-organic baby food from a STORE.
If after following my advice you still meet a couple of moms who want to be friends with you, grab her mom card (a business card for moms who wish they were still climbing the corporate ladder). If she wants to be your friend it’s because she has a wicked sense of humor. She will be the perfect date for a drunken night filled with shots, talk about how you really love your kids they drive you bonkers, and that sometimes you want to be the one who gets to cry, nap, and shit yourself all day. Cheers!
And That’s been This Week’s Shannonigans!