Before most parents have kids they naively think sleeping and babies go together like peanut butter and jelly. When people say they “slept like a baby,” they usually mean that they slept well and for a long amount of time. What “sleeping like a baby” really means is that you have slept little, cried often, with your parents repeatedly coming into check if you are still breathing — and stressing out about if they are following they new sleep recommendations for babies which change every ten years.

Your parents were told to put you to sleep on your stomach so you wouldn’t choke on your own spit up. Your aunt was told to put her kids on their sides and had to buy a sleep positioner. And you are told to put your baby in a straight jacket on their back with NOTHING in the crib. There are mental institutions that allow their patients more belongings in their padded rooms than babies are allowed in their cribs…So don’t even think about giving junior that blankie your 100 year old great-grandma spent months crocheting because she is a spy for the OLD PEOPLE LEAGUE and out do dominate the world by offing newborns in their sleep.

This is beyond frustrating for new parents. Who do you listen to? Your family who have actual living adults that they raised, a book, or the random homeless person on the street who sleeps in a recalled crib? I am convinced pediatricians do this so you have something to argue with your parents and in-laws about instead of the usual “When are you getting married?”, “What religion are you raising my grandchild?”, and “I know your newborn is only four days old but when are you giving me another grandchild?”

So to help all new parents, grandparents, and future parents out there, I have traveled in time to discover what the future sleeping position recommendations will be. I used my baby, puppy, and their animal friends as models to create this list for you.

image-2-sleeping-positions All babies will need to sleep on a secluded beach with their head buried in the sand so they can’t see or hear their parents argue about how they should sleep.

image-3-sleeping-positions Parents will be told that cribs are dangerous and that children should only sleep in their highchair

image-4-sleeping-positions Parents will hold their babies in both hands while they sleep so they will always be able feel that they are still breathing and indeed alive.

image-5-sleep-position Babies will finally get to do the smothering and sleep on their parents’ heads.

image-6-sleep-position Because of the popularity of Happy Feet 78 all babies will be flown to the North and South Pole and be told to sleep like penguins.

image-7-sleep-position Babies will be told to leave their arctic cribs and sleep on their back curled up to a random person’s leg on a bathmat.

image-8-sleep-positions-1 Parents will have to get their babies to somehow sleep like this baby giraffe because it is just plain cute.

image-9-sleep-positionCo-sleeping will be accepted again but with a twist. Babies will have to balance upside down with their head pushing against their mom and their arms in the air like they just don’t care.

image-10-sleep-positionStuffed animals will become passe and every baby will be required to sleep with two monkeys and two tigers.

image-11-sleep-position It will be decided that the only safe way for a baby to sleep is next to a Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular Rockette show because, well… experts have run out of ideas.

I hope this helps you understand how your future children and grandchildren will sleep and keep you from arguing with family members. I was able to find one thing that stayed the same throughout my time travels: Parents in the future are equally anxious about every single decision they make as parents and easily preyed upon by so called parenting gurus wanting to make a quick buck through book sales. Just like parents of our time. I guess some things never change.

And that’s been this week’s Shannonigans!

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