For this week’s installation of why I would like to stick my daughter up my vagina and keep her in my uterus until things get better, I would like to share a letter I received from my fan, the United States of America.

“Dear Shannonigans,
I just don’t understand Mitt Romney. He says he wants to be the president of the United States of America and fix the economy, but then WHY won’t he release his tax returns? Did he misplace them?

Why is he against the same healthcare policies he used when he was Governor of Massachusetts? Is it that he loves me too much and doesn’t want to give all my citizens healthcare, because he is afraid of commitment?

Why do the Koch brothers give him so much money? Are they in love with him? OMG, is Mitt Romney gay? Maybe he is against gay marriage because if it were legalized he would have to pick only one Koch brother to marry and then he would only have one rich person donating to his campaign? Yep, he’s gay. That must be why he is sending me so many mixed messages. It’s not that he isn’t attracted to me, it’s that he’s gay and only attracted to rich white men.

OMG, why do I always fall for the gay guys? Whatever, don’t call me a ‘fag hag’; I prefer the term ‘fruit fly.’

Nevermind, I don’t think he is gay. Mitt Romney must have mother issues.

Or maybe the real Mitt Romney got into a car wreck and is in a coma and the Mitt Romney running for president is really an alien clone?

What do you think, Shannonigans?”

Dear USA,
I hate to break it to you, but:

When politicians are really into a country, they don’t send mixed messages and act like a jerk.

Let me break it down for you: Mitt Romney is rich. He is so filthy, stinking rich, he is getting bored with all his toys and wants something shiny and new.

What is there left to buy after you have 3 multi-million dollar homes, an Olympic race, and a Mormon planet? A country.

USA, to Mitt Romney you are just another notch on his belt. He is never going to treat you with respect, take you to meet his bank account in Switzerland, or fix the economy and commit to you. He will lie and say whatever it takes to get into your pants because to him you are just a drunken one night stand.

So, USA, don’t respond to his drunken texts, because you have no idea what will happen if he comes over. He might be too drunk to get it up and preform, he might fuck the economy hard, doggy style, or he might even call a hooker over and ask you to sit and watch while he exports the sex to China. You just don’t know.

I know it’s hard, USA, but you will thank me when this is all over. Delete Mitt Romney’s number and block it so you don’t drunk dial him. To prevent online stalking him at 4am, delete and block him on all your social networks as well. You do not need to see party pics of Mitt Romney’s Hamptons fundraiser. It will just make you jealous. And, if he stops by your apartment in the middle of the night, whatever you do, don’t let him upstairs. If he really cared about you he would hang out with you during daylight hours or maybe even invite you to dinner like this guy…

Barack Obama. He may not be as rich as Mitt Romney, but he likes you enough to want to actually talk to you over a nice meal, introduce you to his family, AND invite you to his 51st birthday party.

So, Girlfriend, go buy your favorite shampoo and get ready to pamper yourself, because it is time to wash that Mitt Romney out of your hair.

And that’s been this week’s Shannonigans!

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