For this week’s installation of why I would like to stick my daughter up my vagina and keep her in my uterus until things get better, I would like to take on immigration.

With the presidential election coming up in November, Mitt Romney and President Obama have been talking and not talking about immigration.

While President Obama believes that we should not be deporting babies who were born here illegally back to a country they have never lived in, Mitt Romney believes this is a “states’ rights” issue.



WOW. Seriously, Romney? You know who else used the whole “states’ rights” cop out? Southern plantation owners who thought slavery was totally cool and the only reason the Civil War happened was because the North was trying to boss the Southern states around. So frankly, immigrants, Romney doesn’t give a damn.

I will not pretend to be an expert on American politics or history. I never paid attention in school. All I remember is my teacher repeating over and over that the United States is a “melting pot.” Probably because my history class was right before lunch, I was starving, and I love fondue. But I digress.

The term melting pot comes from the idea that America is a country where people from all different races, cultures, and religions come together to make a new and awesome society. Unless you are a Mexican baby. Then you aren’t allowed to melt in our American pot. Just kidding!

Honestly, I don’t understand why immigration is still an issue. The United States of America is a country founded on immigration. The settlers on the Mayflower came over because they didn’t like England and wanted religious freedom. Then the Native Americans invited them over for dinner, the first Thanksgiving happened, and, to thank them for their hospitality, we stole their land. Are the Republicans against immigration because they are afraid the illegal immigrants will kick us off our land, force us onto reservations, and then name their soccer team the Washington White-Skins?

Who knows? But to me this issue is silly. America is basically an animal shelter for mutts who have been abused in their country of origin. I mean kicking people out just because of their race would be like kicking someone out for being Mormon. Or if our solar system didn’t let the earth join just because it was formed near the Planet Kolob. Or even worse if when the end of times comes and the earth leaves this solar system to go home and the Planet Kolob says, “Sorry there’s no room at the inn and don’t try to argue with me because this is a planet’s rights issue.” Right, Romney?

F.Y.I. If you have no idea what I was just talking about it’s because you haven’t spent the last 6 hours drinking coffee and reading the giant black hole that is The Book of Mormon.

Enough about fondue, illegal job stealing children, and Battlestar Galactica. Back to immigration. When I was in middle school, the movie Clueless came out. I was obsessed with it and still know every word in that movie by heart. I thought Cher was so cool, and I wanted to grow up to be just like her. This is why I have a valley girl accent even though I grew up in Kansas. So whenever I think of immigration, I think of this scene from the movie Clueless.

I completely agree with Cher and have firsthand experience with the hardships of hosting a party when people don’t R.S.V.P. A couple of months ago we celebrated my daughter’s first birthday. I sent out invitations 2 months in advance giving attendees ample time to respond but only a few people R.S.V.P.ed. I assumed no one was coming to my daughter’s party besides family. Then the big day arrived and everyone showed up including the families who didn’t R.S.V.P. Even worse some older siblings that I didn’t even know existed showed up because I had invited their younger brother or sister. I was outraged. But what was I to do? Deny these innocent children cupcakes and kick them out of the party even though it was their parents who didn’t R.S.V.P.? No, I did what Cher did. I rearranged things and partied with the uninvited babies. In the end, I was happy I did this because my daughter received even more presents than I expected because extra people showed up.

But what gifts can illegal immigrants from Mexico give us? Aren’t they all just out to take advantage of our awesome economy and affordable health care?



No, many of them just have simple dreams that they want to achieve, like Cesar Millan. He admits to immigrating into the United States illegally and even says he feels guilty about it but knows it was the only way for him to achieve his dream of getting paid to roller blade with cute dogs. If we deport everyone who sneaks into our country we may be missing out on the next Cat Whisperer, Turtle Whisperer, or maybe even the How to get Democrats and Republicans to stop bickering like children so we can actually get something done in Washington Whisperer?
clueless6282012 The possibilities are endless. But one thing is for certain, Mitt Romney and his advisers need to stop acting like a villain in a 90s chick flick about rich girls in Beverly Hills and actually state their opinion on immigration. Because unlike Romney’s Irish Setter Seamus, immigration isn’t an issue that you can ignore for twelve hours and put on the roof of your car while it suffers from diarrhea.

And that’s been This Week’s Shannonigans!

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