For this week’s installation of why I want to stick my daughter back up my vagina and keep her in my uterus till things get better, I would like to take on the Vatican.

Even though I know nothing about the Catholic Church, I feel like I am completely qualified to talk about them because I am heterosexual, not on birth control, and I have never had an abortion. And that’s all that matters! Right, Pope?

Audrey Hepburn in The Nun's Story, 1959.

Glam Nun

I have always had a soft spot for nuns. When I was younger I thought they were so glamorous because of Audrey Hepburn in A Nun’s Story and Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. I used to fantasize about growing up to be a nun. When I found out CoCo Chanel grew up in an orphanage run by nuns and used them as inspiration for her signature black and white look, my desire to be a nun intensified. But then I realized I wasn’t Catholic and the movie Titanic hit theaters. So, I decided I couldn’t be a nun because I was going to grow up and marry Leonardo DiCaprio.

Recently, American nuns have come under fire because the Vatican thinks they have become radical feminists and are focusing too much of their attention on social justice issues and should be spending all their time on the important stuff like telling women what to do with their bodies and gay bashing.

First things first, you can’t get any more radical feminist than wearing a garbage bag so people can only see your face, living with a bunch of women, and not having sex because you are married to a man that no one has actually met. Is it a coincidence that Jesus is always pictured having a beard? I think not!

I am not going to even get into the issue of abortion and homosexuality because, in my experience, if you are on one side of these issues there is basically no chance you are going to wake up one day and say, “WOW, I have seen the light. I better throw away my GOD HATES F*GS posters and make some bedazzled GOD LOVES HIS RAINBOW CHILDREN posters.”

For example, I really want my dog to be able to talk. I think we could have some great conversations about our mutual love of napping, treats, and why he doesn’t need to bark for an hour every time someone walks by our apartment. I can devote my whole life to teaching him to talk, but he will never learn to talk because he is a dog and dogs don’t talk.

So, I will turn my attention to the Vatican’s claim that American nuns are radical feminists because they want women to have the right to be ordained as priests. I think that the Catholic Church should allow women to be priests because, well, it’s the right and equal thing to do. But that’s not going to persuade a bunch of overdressed queens back in Vatican City, so I will plead my case using a different approach.

The Catholic Church’s popularity has been dwindling for quite some time. Many of its devotees are flocking to the Episcopalian Church because it allows women and openly gay people to be ordained as priests. While the Episcopalian Church is gaining popularity the Catholic Church is headed towards obscurity alley.

What does one do when people start to see you as old hat? Why, make a sex tape of course! I realize the Catholic nuns and priests can’t make a sex tape because they have all sworn their virginity to God. And, honestly, I think the porn industry has made nun porn passé. But they still need a gimmick. Something that will get some headlines besides the usual anti-abortion and anti-gay stuff because I hate to break it to you, Pope Ratzinger, but that shtick is getting old.

So, why not let women become priests? It could definitely get the Catholic Church some positive PR and maybe even some new members.

Unfortunately, I doubt they will listen to me because everyone at the Vatican is determined to make sure only men get to wear all the glamorous dresses. And as we all know, giving women power makes them take birth control, which makes them have premarital sex, which leads to out of wedlock fetuses, which leads to abortion. Which turns the nuns into this:

humorous costume pregnant nun
A 9-month-pregnant harlot nun who is smoking on the way to Planned Parenthood to get her 20th abortion.

So, nevermind, Vatican. Stay classy and keep alienating your followers by being sexist. The last thing we need is for the women pictured above to become popular because I just can’t handle dickies being trendy again.

And that’s been This Week’s Shannonigans!

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