Hi, my name is Shannon and I am the mom of a beautiful daughter. I am so happy to have her in my life, but some weeks people say or do things that make me want to shove her back up my vagina and keep her in my uterus until things get better.


Me and my babies

Since I can’t do that I will be writing a weekly column named This Week’s Shannonigans to share, vent, and hopefully laugh over the things that piss me off as a woman and mother.

In an interview for Fox News, journalist and author Ed Klein did some Hillary Clinton bashing. Now, two things in this last sentence should raise a red flag to your lady parts: the fact that Fox still gets away with using the word “news” in its name, and that Ed Klein is considered a journalist when I have read some Twilight fan fiction with a stronger basis in reality. Sorry to lump you in with Ed Klein, Twilight fans — I know you fact check!

What did Ed Klein talk about when criticizing Hilary Clinton? Her opinions? Her books? Her job as Secretary of State?

No, he went all old school sexist on us and talked about her looks, age, and weight. Seriously, Ed Klein? You can’t get at least a little bit more creative? He started out his critique of Ms. Clinton by saying, “I don’t want to sound anti-feminist, but…” Well, I hate to break it to you, Ed, but when you have to put a warning like that before your statements you probably are anti-feminist.

For example:

“I don’t want to sound homophobic but gay people shouldn’t be allowed to get married.” – A commercial in support of California’s Prop 8;

“I don’t want to sound racists but let’s put on bedsheets and go beat up some black people” – The introduction to the Ku Klux Klan’s mission statement;

“I don’t want to sound anti-Semitic but…” – Hitler.

He continues to say that Hillary Clinton is “Not Looking good these days, she’s looking overweight, and she’s looking very tired.” What, you mean like every other male politician? What ever could be keeping Hillary Clinton so busy that she might not have time to constantly work out and always get twelve hours of sleep?

Then, to top it all off, he said that since Hillary Clinton will be 69 for the next presidential election, she will be too old to run. Hmmm… you know who else was 69 when they ran for president the first time? Ronald Reagan. Since women live longer then men, Hillary Clinton will only be 40 in “man years” for the next election, therefore making it possible that she could be the all-time youngest and first female president. Go, Hillary!

Yes, Hillary Clinton will not be walking the runway in a matching diamond bra and panties set at the next Victoria’s Secret fashion show. But who cares? She has never claimed to be a model. She is a politician, so can we please just judge her on her politics?

I was thinking what else I could do or write to fix this problem because I want my daughter to be judged by her thoughts and actions when she is an adult. Not whether an over-the-hill gremlin thinks she “looks good.”

Then I was reminded of the famous definition of insanity by Albert Einstein: “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

So instead of continuing to talk about how Ed Klein’s remarks are beyond sexist, I will try a different approach and take inspiration from Ed Klein himself. I will instead judge him on his appearance.

I think Ed Klein is trying to look like an intelligent pioneer a la Steve Jobs by wearing a black turtle neck and choosing to do a black and white photograph. Sorry, Ed, you just look like a dollar store Dieter from Saturday Night Live that is in the clearance section just like Mike Meyers’ career.

I think Ed Klein looks like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. Maybe that’s why you have been married three times?

I actually think the above remarks are way more creative than Ed Klein’s remarks about Hillary Clinton, so here are some more:

“You’re bald.”

“You’re paler than a corpse.”

“You’re 75. Stop writing books and get thee to a nursing home.”

I don’t feel good about making the above comments because even a person like Ed Klein deserves to be judged on their thoughts. But there gets to be a point when all the rational, factual, and logical writing ceases to change the situation and I’m left confused and thinking, “Seriously? WTF? This is 2012!” And that’s when the proverb “If you can’t beat em’ join ’em” comes to mind, the creator of which nobody knows. But I have a feeling it was a cave woman who got tired of hearing people constantly talk about how her ass was too big instead of concentrating on her dinosaur-hunting skills. Since dinosaurs and humans were totally around at the same time!

And that’s been This Week’s Shannonigans!

Disclaimer: If I made any grammatical, spelling, or historical errors in the above article it’s because I am too young to write and overweight… right, Ed Klein?

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