Today in yoga class Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” came on and I started balling. This isn’t the first time I have cried while listening to this song. When I found out my good friend Spencer Bell had died I was walking down the streets of NYC and I heard this song from a parked car and got an eery feeling in my gut. Then a friend called me and told me of Spencer’s passing and I started crying. I wasn’t just sad but I was also mad and felt like I was forced to grow up right there.
I knew Spencer was sick but didn’t go visit him because I was too busy with what I thought was really important stuff in New York. Besides people in their twenties don’t die and certainly my friends don’t die. I figured Spencer would be sick for a while and then go back to making fun of me like the rest of the Lost Boys. Everything would go back to normal in a couple of months.
It didn’t go back to normal because Spencer died and I grew up. I realized sometimes bad things happen for no reason. Ignoring problems doesn’t make them go away. And yes, sometimes as unfair as it is people do die in their twenties.
Since his death I haven’t been to any of his memorials. I still just can’t face it completely. I did go to Wisconsin the year Spencer died for a New Year’s party and celebration of Spencer. It was a lot of fun. All my friends were there and it really didn’t feel like anything had changed.
And really it hadn’t changed it was just different. Spencer was physically gone but he wasn’t really gone. My friends and I met at boarding school and then moved to places all over the world. Sometimes I don’t see them as much as I would like but there are always with me.
WE’RE JUST 2 LOST SOULS SWIMMING IN A FISH BOWL YEAR AFTER YEAR… WISH YOU WERE HERE
I don’t know the middle lyrics but honestly I don’t care. This is how I feel about my fiends whether they are across the country or somewhere else I don’t understand. I don’t subscribe to one religion and don’t try and pretend I have any idea what will happen after I die but I know I will see Spencer and all the other loved ones I have lost again. I just don’t know how, when, or where… which is honestly how it is with my friends that are living. When I see them I am happy and when we say goodbye I never know when we will be able to visit each other again. So when I miss Spencer I ask myself how is it any different with him? I don’t know when I will see him again but I will be happy when I do.
“When We Were Young” by the Killers reminds me of how I felt when Spencer died. The video doesn’t but oh well.
CAN WE CLIMB THIS MOUNTAIN… I DON’T KNOW?
At the time I didn’t know the answer to this question but now I know my friends and I can climb the “mountain”. We did when Spencer died and we have done it many times since then.
AND SOMETIMES YOU CLOSE YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SEE THE PLACE WERE YOU USED TO LIVE WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG
Before I went to boarding school I got picked a lot on in Kansas and didn’t have many good friends. When I met my friends at boarding school I felt like I had finally met people who understood me and whenever I am with them now I feel like I am home. When I close my eyes and see the place were I used to live when I was young all I see are random snapshots of my life with my friends.
I am really lucky to have them and one of my main wishes for my daughter is that she finds friends that stay with her as she changes but doesn’t change and always has fun people to say goodbye to a shitty year with.
I love my Lost Boys xoxoxo Wendy
For more information on Spencer Bell please visit his website
images via Jackson Rathbone