CAN WE CLIMB THIS MOUNTAIN?

Today in yoga class Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” came on and I started balling. This isn’t the first time I have cried while listening to this song. When I found out my good friend Spencer Bell had died I was walking down the streets of NYC and I heard this song from a parked car and got an eery feeling in my gut. Then a friend called me and told me of Spencer’s passing and I started crying. I wasn’t just sad but I was also mad and felt like I was forced to grow up right there.

I knew Spencer was sick but didn’t go visit him because I was too busy with what I thought was really important stuff in New York. Besides people in their twenties don’t die and certainly my friends don’t die. I figured Spencer would be sick for a while and then go back to making fun of me like the rest of the Lost Boys. Everything would go back to normal in a couple of months.

It didn’t go back to normal because Spencer died and I grew up. I realized sometimes bad things happen for no reason. Ignoring problems doesn’t make them go away. And yes, sometimes as unfair as it is people do die in their twenties.

Since his death I haven’t been to any of his memorials. I still just can’t face it completely. I did go to Wisconsin the year Spencer died for a New Year’s party and celebration of Spencer. It was a lot of fun. All my friends were there and it really didn’t feel like anything had changed.

And really it hadn’t changed it was just different. Spencer was physically gone but he wasn’t really gone. My friends and I met at boarding school and then moved to places all over the world. Sometimes I don’t see them as much as I would like but there are always with me.

WE’RE JUST 2 LOST SOULS SWIMMING IN A FISH BOWL YEAR AFTER YEAR… WISH YOU WERE HERE

I don’t know the middle lyrics but honestly I don’t care. This is how I feel about my fiends whether they are across the country or somewhere else I don’t understand. I don’t subscribe to one religion and don’t try and pretend I have any idea what will happen after I die but I know I will see Spencer and all the other loved ones I have lost again. I just don’t know how, when, or where… which is honestly how it is with my friends that are living. When I see them I am happy and when we say goodbye I never know when we will be able to visit each other again. So when I miss Spencer I ask myself how is it any different with him? I don’t know when I will see him again but I will be happy when I do.

“When We Were Young” by the Killers reminds me of how I felt when Spencer died. The video doesn’t but oh well.

CAN WE CLIMB THIS MOUNTAIN… I DON’T KNOW?

At the time I didn’t know the answer to this question but now I know my friends and I can climb the “mountain”. We did when Spencer died and we have done it many times since then.

AND SOMETIMES YOU CLOSE YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SEE THE PLACE WERE YOU USED TO LIVE WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG

Before I went to boarding school I got picked a lot on in Kansas and didn’t have many good friends. When I met my friends at boarding school I felt like I had finally met people who understood me and whenever I am with them now I feel like I am home. When I close my eyes and see the place were I used to live when I was young all I see are random snapshots of my life with my friends.

I am really lucky to have them and one of my main wishes for my daughter is that she finds friends that stay with her as she changes but doesn’t change and always has fun people to say goodbye to a shitty year with.

I love my Lost Boys xoxoxo Wendy

For more information on Spencer Bell please visit his website

Stay Glamorous,

Shannon

images via Jackson Rathbone

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34 Responses to “CAN WE CLIMB THIS MOUNTAIN?”

  1. Sandra January 23, 2012 at 11:29 AM #

    “I’m honestly not sure where this life is going
    And I just as honestly do not care
    So long as I can love
    And be loved”

  2. Nadine January 23, 2012 at 11:40 AM #

    It´s always hard to lose a person you love. My best friend had a stroke at the age of twenty-eight. Thank good she´s still alive but these are the moments when you realize how fast your own life can be over or how fast you can lose a friend or family memeber. And that´s the reason why everybody should be grateful for every single day on earth and we all should enjoy our life as long as we´ve got the chance to and never hurt the ones we love. Every day can be the last day!

  3. Laura (@Laura_STL) January 23, 2012 at 11:52 AM #

    Just when I get used to reading your posts and getting a smile or a chuckle you throw out this curveball that grabs my heart and brings tears to my eyes. I have a similar group of friends. Every year we get together for our Estrogen Fest (Este Fest) and we spend time at a beach house drinking adult beverages and just enjoying ourselves. It started the year that I moved away and this April will be our 10th anniversary. Others have scattered around the country as well but every year we manage to come together and it’s as if we’ve never parted. There were 12 of us but we lost Annie to breast cancer 2 years ago. As with Spencer we can still feel her there with us. There are some relationships that transcend time, distance and even death and I feel blessed to have that in my life. It sounds like you do too. And while it’s rare, I think Princess A will find her friends too.

    Thanks for sharing this, Shannon. Even with tears streaming down my face, I am glad you allowed this glimpse into that special part of your life.

    • shannonsutherland January 23, 2012 at 1:26 PM #

      awwww i kinda feel bad and glad i posted it now. I was just having one of those days.

      • Laura (@Laura_STL) January 23, 2012 at 2:31 PM #

        Don’t feel bad, it actually was a good thing you posted it. Yes, I got all blubbery with tears but I also spent some time thinking about my friends, like the time Annie did her interpretive dance to Landslide (I did mention adult beverages were involved), and it made me happy. Those are the moments to hold onto. The more often I remember the less I worry that those memories will slip away. So thanks and keep on posting whatever moves you because there’s a good chance it will move someone else too. Even Princess A’s daily outfit.

  4. Tara Costlow January 23, 2012 at 12:58 PM #

    The only person that I’ve lost who was close was my dad. I’m envious of people who have a close core group of friends because I never did. At random times it’ll hit me how much I miss my dad (he was 48) so I understand how you feel. Some days and times are worse than others. I feel for you. I’ll be making it to SBL in May, I’ll think of you while I’m there 🙂

    • shannonsutherland January 23, 2012 at 1:24 PM #

      I am really trying to go to it 🙂

      • Tara Costlow January 23, 2012 at 8:16 PM #

        Hopefully I’ll see you there 🙂 One of the girls I know, Melissa Evans, is playing in it.

  5. Jen January 23, 2012 at 1:43 PM #

    reading this is pretty much like a dagger in my heart…i love that you put it out there but it kills on such a personal level…cancer has always been a blessing and curse to me…but it’s still a blessing and curse that i don’t want to hear or see happen to anyone else…on that note though for some reason throughout the entire time i was reading this one i kept hearing the Keane song “Everybody’s Changing”…don’t ask why…especially when i was looking at the new years pictures…we only have the moment we are in…you have to grab it by the balls and make damn sure it’s the best moment of your life…because in all reality it is the only moment of your life…ok i’m a nerd i even now had to look up the lyrics of the Keane song..
    “You say you wander your own land
    But when I think about it
    I don’t see how you can
    You’re aching, you’re breaking
    And I can see the pain in your eyes
    Says everybody’s changing
    And I don’t know why

    So little time
    Try to understand that I’m
    Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
    I try to stay awake and remember my name
    But everybody’s changing
    And I don’t feel the same

    You’re gone from here
    And soon you will disappear
    Fading into beautiful light
    Cause everybody’s changing
    And I don’t feel right

    So little time
    Try to understand that I’m
    Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
    I try to stay awake and remember my name
    But everybody’s changing
    And I don’t feel the same

    So little time
    Try to understand that I’m
    Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
    I try to stay awake and remember my name
    But everybody’s changing
    And I don’t feel the same “

    • shannonsutherland January 23, 2012 at 2:25 PM #

      beautiful Jenn. I am sorry my post upset you but I needed to vent 🙂 and express my sadness

      • Jen January 23, 2012 at 6:11 PM #

        Oh my god…please don’t feel bad one bit!!! I loved every minute of it…even if it hit a cord…but don’t ever apologize for speaking your mind and being fabulous in the way you do it…I mean come on…where can we talk about fancy nancy…Betsey Johnson…and how jealous we are of how fabulous your daughter’s outfits are…and that we secretly want 90% of them for ourselves…keep being fabulous as always…no matter if we are laughing…crying…or screaming we are alive…whatever moment we are in…and that in itself is utterly fabulous…

  6. Rebecca Crockett (@BeckyinPhilly) January 23, 2012 at 2:33 PM #

    {{{HUGS}}}

    While I do not have first hand knowledge of what it’s like to lose such a close friend, I do know what it is like to lose those we love…and what an SBL event is like. I am one of those people your Lost Boys told about Spencer, and one of those that fell in love with his music and his soul. I am one of those that while he is no longer physically here, Spencer has inspired me and given me more then I could’ve ever hoped. I have found in his music a source of inspiration, at times even a source of comfort, and because of SBL I have found so many new friends that are quickly becoming family.

    Every time I go to an event, I have the honor of meeting more and more people that knew Spencer in life and have heard so many things that show just how awesome it would’ve been to know him in this life. If eventually you think you can ever handle going to one of the shows, I know that you will come away from it with sadness, yes, because what we memorialize is tragic, but also with a full heart just bursting with love and gratitude. Being there, hearing more and more people respond to his music and knowing it so well they all belt out the lyrics make my heart just burst, and I never knew Spencer in life. But every time I go to an SBL event, I feel like I know him just a little more.

    I think I can safely speak for everyone on the SBL site when I say that if you decide to attend an event, you will find so many people waiting for you with open arms, ready to cry and to laugh with you and to help you remember the man you loved in the most amazing way possible.

    ‘So long as I can love and be loved, so long as I can inspire and be inspired…’

  7. Cécile January 23, 2012 at 2:46 PM #

    There are days or even years, rage, sadness returned for no apparent reason. A place, a smell, a sentation we reminder that person and you realize that unfortunately there is just alone ! it’s no longer there to share it with us …
    For the first time when you read, I have not had tears of laughter, but sad … each lost loved ones, young and old, but it’s still the same empty, this ball in my stomach that we feel!
    The relationship you have with your friends is very beautiful, very precious … and this applies all the treasures of the world. Take care of that friendship, nourishing it with good times. Tell you all the love that you resent them for one another, because often we forget to tell the people you love, thinking they know it ! And one day regret it. In any case, It’s the only regret I have to this day … but not necessarily the easiest with which to live.

  8. Amélie January 23, 2012 at 3:46 PM #

    Your post is so emotional… I thank you for sharing this with us.
    Lose a very good friend, it’s hard. 🙁
    Yes, it need to remember all good times you have had with him.

    This friendship, between all of you is so precious and beautiful.

    Big Hugs

  9. Courtney B. January 23, 2012 at 3:53 PM #

    I am new to this blog and although I know that at times it is funny and starts me on a giggle fit I thank you for this post. I lost my grandmother last novemeber and we were really close. I found out on friday that the house she lived and died in is ready to be sold. It never really felt real to me, but now that her house is getting ready to be sold and all of her affairs are in orfder, it finally hit me. She’s gone and she isnt coming back. I needed to let go and finally accept that as fact. You did that for me today, as soon as the guitar came in, I was done for. It was a cleansing cry and afterward I felt like my Gram Brown gave me one final hug and said, “Stop that crying girl, I’m fine”

    So thank you, SO much for bringing to my attention what i didnt even know I needed.

  10. joliciouslife January 23, 2012 at 4:39 PM #

    Reblogged this on joliciouslife.

  11. Maris January 23, 2012 at 4:43 PM #

    Thank you for sharing this blog, it made me cry so bad.
    Spencer means so much to me, even though I never met him. He changed my life in a good way. Isnt it weird, that even tho I know you knew/know the list boys, I never realised you also were a friend of Spencer.
    I would love to read more Spencer stories.
    #Spencerbellislegendary.

    Love, Maris

  12. Elizabeth January 23, 2012 at 7:13 PM #

    I have no idea what to say, your post had me in tears, firstly you are so lucky to have such good friends, i’ve only had 1 and we’ve been friends since we were 9, i live in another country where i don’t have friends just family, secondly losing someone to cancer can be real hard, i lost my Godfather to brain cancer, his wife asked me to do a painting for her (my first painting) and it come out really good, so he told me he wants me to do another painting and he’ll pay me for it. and i said sure i’ll do it some time. a few months later i had just finished my 3rd painting, it was a pair of hand holding a leave with water in it. an hour after i was done i got a call from my cousin telling me my uncle had past away. now everytime i look at that painting i think of him… and i’m still painting 🙂
    so the people we lost aren’t really gone they are just not visible to us, they are always with us in memory, in dreams and even in songs.
    Take Care of yourself, the princess and the lost boys…
    ps. i wouldn’t have minded being friends with you all, must be great having a group of friends that stick together no matter what.
    Love
    Li

    • shannonsutherland January 23, 2012 at 11:17 PM #

      Li, yes I am lucky to have met them at such a young age 🙂

  13. Brianna January 23, 2012 at 9:55 PM #

    This one got me teary eyed. He was a great man that I wish I got to know. Hearing a personal count from a person like this that went to school is a gift. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about him and what he meant to you. As for New Years, I’m sure from what I’ve heard about him that he was rockin out wherever he was and laughing at ya’ll. Loved the pics that Jackson let you use, they were really good.

    • shannonsutherland January 23, 2012 at 11:21 PM #

      Thanks Brianna… J is a great photographer. I wish he could take all the pics for my blog!

      • Brianna January 23, 2012 at 11:28 PM #

        You are quite welcome, Shannon! I love the pics he puts on his twitter, he makes me laugh on a bad day.

  14. Wendy January 24, 2012 at 5:46 AM #

    I was really touched by this post, it made me think about a lot of things and the people who I have loved and lost over the years.
    It was through 100 Monkeys that I got to hear about Spencer and his story, so I understand a little about what you say here. Unfortunately I don’t know you, any of the ‘Lost Boys’ or anyone from the 100 Monkeys/Jackson Rathbone fandom, so I can’t comment on how the loss of Spencer has affected your lives, but I do know how it feels to loose a very close friend to cancer.
    My friend died when she was 26. Our mothers were school friends and we were born within a month of each other, so naturally we grew up together. Her illness and the gap that was left in our lives was difficult to cope with at first, but as time passed we forgot pain and remembered all the good times we shared. She will never be gone from our lives because she lives in our memories, we keep her with us by telling stories about her and the things we used to do, just like it was only yesterday.
    As long as Spencer lives in your memory, he will never be far away from you. 🙂
    -W-

  15. Felicia Palmer January 24, 2012 at 6:49 AM #

    My heart is with you. My little brother died last july and he was my only sibling too. I found out almost a month later thanks to my mum and I am the only one tending his grave. I am glad honey you guys came together to celebrate his life. I hope that one day my family can come together for my brother one day. Hugs ty and this will definately be a better year honey xxx

  16. hobee1971 January 24, 2012 at 11:20 AM #

    I just want to say thanks for opening up and sharing your feelings with us. I wish I would have been able to meet this man who inspired so many in his short life. Through your memories and those of the rest of his friends and his amazing family everyone has the opportunity to know his legacy.

  17. Soph March 4, 2012 at 10:35 PM #

    thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I nearly lost my best friend at the age of 18 when she was run over by a reckless driver. She was in a coma for a week and in intensive care for almost 3 months after she finally woke up. I know after that I don’t take for granted the time I have with the people I love, I try to get together and talk with my friends as often as we can. You are lucky you were given the opportunity to know Spencer, and to have your lost boys still in your life.

    • shannonsutherland March 4, 2012 at 10:39 PM #

      Thanks Soph!!!! I am so sorry about your best friend but maybe she is hanging out with Spencer now!

  18. Soph March 4, 2012 at 10:52 PM #

    She got better, now 10 years later you would never know what happened to her. She made a full recovery and we’re closer than ever.

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